When they were little, it was all about basic needs – food, clean/dry clothes, sleep, possibly an ear infection or croup.   We were all sleep-deprived, so those challenges seemed Herculean at times, but they were relatively easy to fix (if not a tad annoying to hear at the time).

As our kids grow, our skills as parents have to morph.   We have to grow as parents as our children grow into young adults.  Any change can be hard to recognize and even harder to act upon, and raising kids through various stages is no exception. Carol Dweck, the Stanford psychologist and author of Mindset – The New Psychology of Success, writes about the marriage of ability and talent with a growth mindset to achieve success as parents, professionals, in schools, and in our personal relationships.  I’ve been a fan of her academic work for years, but I am finding this book affirms many of my values and also challenges me to think outside my mental box to be a better teacher, learner, person, and parent.

When they are young, parents are the micro-managers—attending to little details, planning, implementing, assessing and planning for the next activity.  You have to know when to be flexible and when to be the boundary keeper.  For those of us Type As or professional managers or planners, this came naturally.  As an early childhood teacher, I attacked home life much like a classroom – job charts, schedules posted, breaks for snack and quiet time, toys rotated in baskets to keep things fresh, projects connected to what we read or explored.  Gradually, as my kids grew older, I began to meet resistance.  My ideas and plans were (and are) challenged.  I am no longer the Chief Planner.  None of us are, as our little humans become tweens and teens.   This journey to help our children grow to be confident, happy, capable and caring adults continues but the tone, responsibilities and strategies shift.  Without a growth mindset, that is impossible.

I was a little slow to recognize that my job had shifted, and eventually, I adopted a serious growth mindset.   Dweck writes about the positive messages we can send kids – “you are a developing person, and I am interested in your development.”  That’s my mantra, particularly during pesky teaching or parenting moments.  “What are we going to learn from this? How are we going to move forward?”  That’s not to say I didn’t lose my cool after repeated requests for a household task went unacknowledged.  

But as I remind myself that my job changed, I was an HR manager, a coach, a comedian (in my mind), a referee, and yes, an ATM and taxi.   The more rational and productive thoughts generally prevail with this growth mindset as I remember to move beyond praising talent and intelligence to asking questions that make them reflect on effort to help them set their own goals, which have skills and knowledge in mind, and insist on effort and commitment, not success in objective measures.

Kids need to the downtime but I also want my kids to see summer as a time of opportunity for projects, personal growth, contribution to a larger organization (something or someone besides themselves), a time to reconnect to family, friends, the outdoors, book characters, hobbies…. the important stuff that slowly slides to the far reaches of our consciousness during the school year.  

So what do to with adolescents all summer? I am not an expert on adolescents, nor did I have our summers planned out, but that was intentional. Here’s what I know we need to offer our kids as the summer rapidly unfolds.

• Maintain sleep and meal schedules – tweens/teens  get busy and think they don’t need those boundaries, but when either needs is not met, a toddler-like meltdown will surely ensue, whether they will admit it or not. The stereotype of sleepy teens is certainly the reality in my house. Apparently, it’s exhausting to be a teen and their bodies are growing.  Reminds me of toddler days – eating, sleeping, moods changeable, nonetheless lovable.

• Make my kids’ friends my friends – i.e., welcome them along for whatever we are doing. As much as my kids love our family, friends are invaluable. The goofy antics of two 11-year-old boys or the unbridled giggles of a couple of 13-year-old girls can surely get me roaring with them.

• Encourage projects – give them the permission, materials (within reason), time, and responsibility to continue to question the world and investigate their potential.  This may be cooking, building, art, hikes, or organizing a small business.  Most adolescents are highly capable of doing that which interests them.   A little encouragement and a gentle nudge can engage any inertia and allow them to set their own goals and grow in new ways.

• Keep them active – summer is an invitation for laziness and we all need that in moderation.  Allow for the down time, but also keep them moving with sports, jobs, games, camp, volunteer efforts.

• Listen, listen, listen – It’s hard, especially when they ramble or get stuck on the same topic/issue/complaint, but the more I listen the more I am convinced they need to talk to sort out internal and external conflicts. Sometimes they do need to stop talking   – maybe to go write or to move forward with something else – but when they are ready to talk, I’ll be ready to listen.

• Offer possibilities and perspectives, not solutions – Our kids want to feel like they are the decision makers.  When we offer solutions, they are likely to shut us out or dismiss that suggestion.  Phrasing such as “have you thought of….” or “what about….” often meets less resistance.  Allow them to think through problems and solutions and come to conclusions with our input and guidance.

When my kids were still underfoot, we had many adventures and non-adventures on summer stay-cations and vacations. We kept a flexible yet predicable schedule most of the time. We all needed the down time to rest and restore, and often, to be a wee bit bored.   I resisted the urge to plan and mobilize folks into action, and as they hit those tween/teen years, I tried to assume the role of coach and navigator, not CEO or captain.  We have limited summers together, and this is the perfect season to co-create the stuff of summer memories and opportunities for growth!